


Single and Sufficient

by BlurglesmurfKlaine



Category: Glee
Genre: Camping, Comedy, Kurt is swimming in Denial river, M/M, New Girl 6x03, New Girl au, Quinn is a disaster bi because I can literally do whatever I want, his roommates get sort of involved, this gets kind of cracky tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:55:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24524206
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlurglesmurfKlaine/pseuds/BlurglesmurfKlaine
Summary: Kurt is single and sufficient. He even joined a group for single people to hang out together and help each other stay single! No, it’s not depressing. No, it is not a cult. Kurt’s friends invite him on a camping trip they swear isn’t a couple’s trip (but totally is). So he invites his group—including Blaine Anderson, the leader of the group he does not have a crush on. Based on 6x03 of New Girl. AU AF.
Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Kurt Hummel, Mike Chang/Tina Cohen-Chang, Rachel Berry/Finn Hudson, Sam Evans/Mercedes Jones, but like its abt Klaine
Comments: 21
Kudos: 73





	Single and Sufficient

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I’m binging New Girl. This gets kind of cracky. No RAgrets.

Kurt Hummel is going through a bit of a dry spell, romantically speaking. 

Following his disaster ending of a relationship with his ex of nearly a year (which, if you’re wondering, ended when Kurt caught him at one of Rachel’s performances, whispering sweet nothings into the ear of the guy from a seemingly innocuous Instagram post), it’s just been one lackluster guy after another.

There was the photographer who insisted on only using his talents to take pictures of wild onions. There was an actually pretty decent firefighter who took him to a nice restaurant, but his recent ex interrupted them and, in a grand gesture of apology and romance, proposed right then and there, with an enviable ring. It was so freaking cute that Kurt couldn’t even find it in himself to be annoyed. And of course, who could forget the taxidermist who invited him to a baseball game and showed up wearing a fedora and “#meninist” shirt. Kurt had never excused himself so quickly.

After all that, he decides, maybe it’s just time to take a break from dating.

The group he joins is for single people devoted to helping each other stay single. Their slogan is “Single and Sufficient!”. It used to be “Maintaining A Gleeful Abstinence!” before Rachel (notably recently married to his brother and not in the group and no Kurt is  _ not  _ jealous or constantly wondering how he’s managed to stay single longer than her) pointed out that the words acronymed made MAGA.

Mike is in the group because his parents want him to focus on his medical school studies without getting distracted by a significant other. Kurt is certain that Brittany thinks this is a UFO and/or Cryptid discussion group because she keeps bringing up how she was abducted by aliens in utero and the one time she met bigfoot. Quinn is quote-unquote tired of boys, and Tina is there because she harbored a secret crush on her gay best friend for a few months, then somehow kept dating men who also all turned out to be gay.

And then there’s Blaine. 

Cute, funny, adorable, hazel-eyed Blaine, who by unanimous vote, charmed his way into being their leader. He and Tina are close; Kurt knows this because when she was telling her story, he bashfully ducked his head and admitted to being the said friend she had a crush on.

Keeping each other single is for their own good, Kurt tells himself. It’s a dog eat dog world out there and they’re just keeping each other out of harm’s way. He totally doesn’t stay in it just to rake in the eye candy that is dreamboat Blaine Anderson, or because it’s a surefire way to ensure his status  _ stays _ at single.

And he completely, one hundred percent, absolutely does  _ not _ have a crush on him.

* * *

They tell him it’s not a couple’s vacation, but when his roommates, Finn and Rachel and Mercedes and Sam, invite him on a camping trip, Kurt has to hold in an absurd amount of bile. His refusal is immediate and firm until Sam suggests he invite some friends of his own. 

Kurt’s mind goes straight to Blaine—because of the group of course. He is  _ single  _ and  _ sufficient  _ and he’s taking a  _ break  _ from dating right now and if his notorious misfortune continues, this will just end in catastrophe. 

So he invites the entire group along. Yes, part of it is out of petty spite for his friends having the audacity to rub their annoyingly cute relationships in his face. No, he does not regret it.

Single and Sufficient for the goddamn win.

* * *

Standing on the ridiculously scenic cliffside would be just the kind of relaxation Kurt needs if he weren’t being constantly bombarded by requests from his roommates to take pictures like he’s a fucking prom photographer.

Rachel flicks through the photos Kurt just snapped of her and Finn, nose scrunched up in disapproval and making displeased noises at each one. “Hm, okay, no,” she decides, handing her phone back to Kurt. “Can you take a few more but from a higher angle? And like, don’t  _ tilt  _ the camera, just  _ raise  _ it.”

He glares down at the phone the way he looks at anything she cooks. “You can  _ raise  _ it your damn self,” Kurt says in annoyance, voice rising exponentially. “The rest of Single and Sufficient should be here soon, and I want to greet them since I am the one who invited them.”

“Oh,” Finn says. “I forgot your cult was coming along with us.”

“We are  _ not  _ a cult,” Kurt defends, pointing his chin up pridefully. “We are a group of people with a common goal—”

“Is that goal to raise and worship satan?” Mercedes butts in. Sam holds back a snicker. “Because it sounds like a cult to me.”

“Nah,” Sam joins in, trying and failing to imitate a british accent. “I feel like it’s more of a Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Heart Club vibe going for them.”

“That must make Kurt the lieutenant,” Rachel says.

Kurt pinches the bridge of his nose and tilts his head back. “Worst roommates ever,” he mutters.

As if on cue, a voice behind them yells, “Who’s single and ready to not mingle?”

Kurt whirls around to see Quinn (the yeller), Tina, Brittany, Mike, and of course, Blaine making their way towards them. He bites on the inside of his cheek to stop the embarrassingly wide smile from spreading.

While the rest of the group gets acquainted with Kurt’s roommates, Blaine ropes Kurt into a hug. “It’s great to see you again, Kurt,” he murmurs. A shiver runs down Kurt’s spine at Blaine’s hot breath against his ear. 

“I—uh, yeah! Same to-to you, Blainers.” Kurt pulls away and upon seeing Blaine’s confused face at the nickname, further embarrasses himself by lightly punching his shoulder.

“You good?”

Kurt barks out a nervous laugh. “Me? I-I’m great? I am fantastic, actually, I love, um, I love the-the great outdoors. Mother Nature. Planet earth.”

“Good,” he responds, marking the word with a gentle squeeze on Kurt’s shoulder. “I think we’re going to have a lot of fun on this trip,” he whispers lowly and Kurt has to stiffen his knees because they’ve just gone  _ way _ too weak for his own liking.

As Blaine releases him from his grip and moves to introduce himself to the rest of his friends, Kurt doesn’t miss the pointed looks that Finn, Rachel, Sam, and Mercedes give him. He glares daggers and knives and various other kitchen utensils at them to let them know he will not accept any of their meddling shenanigans.

Blaine claps his hands together and gestures outwards to the view, reigning in Kurt’s focus once again. “Why don’t we uh, take a group picture!” he suggests, turning to Kurt hopefully. His eyes travel quickly up and down Kurt. “It’s uh, it’s probably the best view I’ve seen all year.”

Kurt blames the heat crawling to his face on the sun. “That does—that is a great idea, I think.”

Blaine beams, then waves his arms inward for the rest of the group to join them. He hands his phone over to a mildly taken aback Rachel. “Do you mind?” he asks with a ridiculously charming smile.

If it were anyone else, Rachel would be annoyed, but it seems that even she is not immune to the endearing Anderson ways. She smiles and takes the phone.

Blaine drapes one arm around Tina’s shoulder and—much to Kurt’s surprise—wraps the other around his waist. 

Kurt’s breath catches in his throat, face heating up even more at the warmth of Blaine’s side pressed up against him. 

This trip is going to be a  _ bitch. _

* * *

An hour later, Kurt’s by the nearby lake, watching the unlikely group he brought together swim in the lake.

“Tell me again why you’re not hooking up with Blaine?” Mercedes asks, taking a sip of a pina colada that Sam offered to make her.

“I’m with Mercedes on this one,” Finn agrees. “You two clearly like each other. This will-they-won’t-they stuff is kind of high school, man.”

Kurt turns his head to his brother, eyebrows raised in astonishment. “You and Rachel broke up  _ three times _ before you got married.”

“Touche.”

“And besides, the whole point of Single and Sufficient is to stay  _ single.  _ I wouldn’t be doing a great job of that if I jumped his bones, now would I?”

“What are we talking about?”

Kurt snaps his head up, stomach swooping when he’s met with the image of Blaine in a fitted striped blue and white tee and navy swim trunks that show off his toned and tanned legs.

“I-I—nuh, nothing!” Kurt is scrambling like a fucking egg, but Mercedes just rolls her eyes and comes to his rescue.

“Why don’t you stop worrying about us and focus on your people over there getting it on,” Mercedes drawls out. She jerks her head towards the lake where Mike and Tina’s game of Marco Polo has escalated to… 

“Mike!” Kurt scolds, appalled. “Get your tongue out of Tina’s ear!”

“Oh-oh, Tina!” Blaine cries, part disappointment, part astonishment. “You’re better than this!” He shuffles up and rushes into the water and Kurt is not—absolutely  _ not _ —staring at his ass the entire time he runs.

Blaine splits Mike and Tina apart, scolding them both. “You’re both stronger than this!”

“I’m really not,” Mike mumbles with a shake of his head. “For someone so in shape, you’d be surprised how little willpower I have.”

“Aw,” Tina coos, looking up at him fondly. “I test your willpower?” She moves in for another kiss or whatever they were doing, and Blaine inserts himself between them.

“Guys, no! What are we? What’s our slogan?”

The pair look down in shame, mumbling something inaudible.

“Say it again,” commands Blaine.

“Single and Sufficient,” they repeat, loud enough for Kurt’s ears this time.

“Can I ask everyone to keep it down,” Brittany requests. “If it’s too loud the bigfoot won’t come and I’ll never get the touching reunion I’ve been waiting so long for.”

_ “Again!” _

_ “Single and Sufficient!” _

“Why is this such a turn on?” Kurt mumbles. His eyes go wide, Mercedes squeals with delight, and Finn makes a confused face. “Oh dear god, did I just say that out loud?”

“Yes, baby boy, you did.”

“Hmm,” Quinn calls out from the floating device she’s lounging in, giving both Tina and Mike the once over. “It sure would be a real shame if a repeat of this  _ devastating  _ situation were to happen with me later,” she says with a cocky grin, earning confused faces from Mike and Tina.

As Blaine treads out of the water, Kurt can’t help but drink in the image of him—gel disintegrated in the water, all loose curls, and wet shirt clinging to his well-toned torso. Kurt isn’t present enough to know for sure, but he thinks he might have let out a whimpering noise.

The shorter man makes it to the shore with ease, shrugging with a big goofy grin. “Mission accomplished!” he goads. 

Kurt stares, unable to get his useless brain to formulate any sort of coherent thought when Blaine is grinning at him and looking  _ that _ good. The smile—if it can be called that, it’s really closer to an expression that says  _ Holy shit please help me I am so fucked I am so fucked I am SO fucked _ —is too tight on his face. 

“Excuse me.” His voice is an octave or two too high as he gets up from his place next to Mercedes and all but runs into the large tent Finn helped him set up earlier.

“You are single and sufficient,” he tells himself, pacing back and forth across the tent. “You are single and sufficient, god dammit. Dating in the past year has gotten you into nothing but trouble and now is the time to focus on you—because you are  _ single _ and  _ sufficient _ —and you will  _ not _ let your journey of growth and self discovery be derailed by the first normal, non-Trump-supporting, non-engaged, totally hot and amazing,  _ perfect _ guy to come into your life!”

“Kurt?”

“What!?” he snaps, turning around to see his roommates staring at him.

“Dude,” Sam says, shaking his head. “You have  _ got _ to get laid.”

He lets out an exasperated sigh. “What are you all doing here?”

“Bro,” Finn starts. “This is an invention.”

“Intervention,” corrects Rachel.

“Intervention.”

Kurt hums with phony thoughtfulness. “Yes, well I hope it’s one for Rachel and those god awful shorts she’s wearing.”

She points a stern finger at him. “I’m only letting that slide because one: you picked out this outfit and two: I know how mean you can get when you’re horny.”

Finn gives her a concerned and confused look. “Why do you know—”

“I appreciate your concern and incessant need to interfere with my currently non-existent love life,” Kurt says. “But jumping headfirst into something with Blaine right now, given my recent dating history, seems like some really poor decision making on my part. Someone that handsome and charming after what happened with Nathan? That’s just asking the universe to beat me down even more when it’s already taken a bat to my kneecaps.”

“Nathan was an idiot man-child who didn’t know how blessed he was to have a great man like you in his life,” Mercedes says. “Now I know it’s scary getting back out there, and you’re afraid of getting your heart broken again—”

_ Damn, she really can read me like the Marc Jacobs Summer catalogue. _

“—But I think it’s about time you put yourself back out there.”

“I’m not afraid of getting hurt,” Kurt says, not at all defensively if you ask him. “I am Single and Sufficient,” he repeats assuredly, placing one hand on Rachel’s shoulder and the other on Mercedes’s. “And I know what I’m doing.”

* * *

Kurt does not know what he’s doing.

That much is made obvious when the group makes a campfire later that night.

Mike and Tina steal glances across the circle from each other, thinking no one notices, when in fact everybody does.

Kurt is in the middle of trying to convince Brittany that dolphins are not in fact a specific breed of exclusively homosexual sharks when he hears the voice he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about for hours.

“This seat taken?” Blaine asks.

Kurt lets out a very un-suave cross between a giggle and a chortle. “Um, yeah!” he blurts. “I mean, no! I meant yeah as in of  _ course  _ you can sit there why wouldn’t I want you to sit there? And no as in no nobody’s sitting there.” He gestures to the empty seat. “Go right ahead.”

The smile Blaine gives Kurt does not make his stomach flip and—

Oh who the hell is he kidding, he is so,  _ so  _ into Blaine it’s _ tragic. _

With a certain amount of horror, he realizes exactly how right Mercedes was. He  _ is  _ afraid of getting hurt all over again—afraid that Blaine has no interest in him, that even if he does, Kurt will throw everything into a relationship and get nothing but regret out of it, afraid that Blaine might secretly be into something irredeemably weird and niche like knitting sweaters for the sewer rats, which now that Kurt thinks about it would actually be sort of sweet. 

_ Oh, god, what the  _ hell _ is wrong with you? Get a fucking grip. _

So he takes all those feelings, balls them up like used tinfoil, and shoves them deep, deep,  _ deep _ down. They manage to stay there as they swap stories about life, ghosts, and one really weird tale Brittany tells about her absurdly overweight cat.

Kurt is doing pretty well up until Sam points out the guitar leaning against the log behind Blaine. “You play?”

Blaine nods. “I’m an elementary music teacher. Thought it might be fun to sing some campfire songs. Don’t worry, I do know how to play more than just The Wheels on the Bus!”

“That’s great! Kurt’s a singer!” Finn exclaims. Kurt turns his head slowly, lucky there’s not a quota on how many death stares he can give his friends because by now, he would have more than exceeded it. “Why don’t you two put on a little show?”

“Oh, I couldn’t impose,” Kurt deflects.

“You wouldn’t be,” Blaine says sweetly. “I’d actually kind of love it.”

Kurt should say no, but Blaine is already up, staring down at him with those gorgeous honeyed eyes of his, and Kurt is absolutely powerless. “Sure.”

By the look on Blaine’s face, you’d think he just won the lottery. “Do we have any requests?” he asks after turning to the group. He’s bombarded with suggestions.

“Barely Breathing.”

“You Oughta Know!”

“My Cup.”

“No,” Finn says, holding his hand up to silence everyone else. There’s a mischievous glimmer in his eyes that Kurt knows all too well. “They need something classic.”

And that’s how a minute later, Kurt and Blaine end up in the middle of an acoustic rendition of George Michael’s  _ Faith. _

**_Before this river_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Becomes an ocean_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Before you throw my heart out on the floor_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Oh baby I reconsider_ ** **_  
_ ** **_This foolish notion_ ** **_  
_ ** **_It takes a sting man baby but I wait for something more_ **

“This is downright magical,” Quinn says, staring in awe.

**_Cause I gotta have faith_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Mmm I gotta have faith_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Yes I gotta have faith, faith, faith_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Faith, faith, faith_ **

**_Baby_ ** **_  
_ ** **_I know you’re asking me to stay_ ** **_  
_ ** **_Say please, please, please don’t go away_ ** **_  
_ ** ****_You say I’m giving you the blues_

Kurt is actually having a good time, singing and dancing around. He’s singing goofily to Mercedes for a moment, then turns around to spread some of the love with Blaine and...

And Blaine… is coming closer to him, leaning in towards his face, wearing that big lovable smile. Kurt’s heart flutters. He needs to do something before he tackles him in the middle of their duet.

**_Maybe—_ **

“Wait! Stop! I can't!” Kurt yells suddenly. Blaine abruptly stops playing, jerking his head back in surprise.

“Y-you can't what?” 

“I can't ignore…” his eyes dart around frantically until they land on Tina, “what's going on with Mike and Tina!”

“We weren't doing anything!” cries Tina.

“That’s convenient, miss Cohen-Chang! I-I sure hope you guys were behaving, all right? Because you know what happens on strike two. Strike two and... Strike…” He turns to Blaine. “Nothing happens on strike two, does it?”

“No, it does not.”

“But! You know, strike two, you're on thin ice.”

“You should be on thin ice!” Mike snaps back to Kurt. “He brought us on a couple’s retreat!”

“That’s like taking Lord Tubbington to a snickers factory.”

“Yeah,” Quinn adds, what is likely her fourth or so drink in her hand. “And you made us hang out with your lame straight couple friends.”

She’s met with protests from Kurt’s roommates. 

“We are not lame!”

“Ow, no need to attack us.”

“Okay, okay,” Blaine begins in an attempt to diffuse the situation. “We can all agree that Kurt is a very important member of this group.”

“Oh, don’t be such a hypocrite, Blainey Days,” Tina scoffs. 

“Yeah,” Brittany jumps on. “We’ve been here for at least five hours and I haven’t heard a single bigfoot mating call. I was misled.”

“Nobody said there would be—” Kurt tries, but by this point the conversation is nothing more than overlapping expressions of regret and bitter accusations. Their voices keep rising, getting louder with each passing second.

“Guys,” Kurt gives another attempt, but his words are lost against the escalating clusterfuck of an argument. “Guys!” Still, he only gets shouts in return.

“Justice for bigfoot!”

“This was unbearable  _ before _ I finished my drink, and now I’m out.”

After a few moments, a voice breaks through the chaos.

_ “Enough!” _

Kurt jolts in surprise when he realizes the stern cry came from Blaine, his guitar raised high above his head. They all freeze and gape at him.

“I-I’m not actually going to smash my guitar,” he stammers, lowering it with just the tiniest bit of chagrin. “It was very expensive… But I don’t want you to lose faith in this group, you guys! Just… Give up on me. You’re right, Tay-tay. I have been a hypocrite.” He turns to Kurt, expression softening. “I do have feelings for Kurt.”

Kurt suppresses a groan at his roommates’ combinations of surprised and open smiles, and sly smirks. “O-okay. He didn’t say what  _ kind  _ of feelings.”

“They’re sexual,” Blaine blurts, dropping his head in embarrassment and earning even more scandalized expressions from Kurt’s friends. “A-and… romantic.”

His eyes go wide. “Really?”

Blaine laughs and raises an eyebrow, facing Kurt once more. “You’re surprised? Kurt, you are the most gorgeous, kind, generous, and compassionate human being on this planet, it’s actually sort of ridiculous.”

Tina abruptly stands up, taking Mike’s hand and jabbing her thumb behind her. “Alright, well, Mike and I are gonna go make out while you two figure your shit out.”

She’s met with murmurs of agreement from everyone else. 

“Oh,  _ that  _ you can agree on!?” Kurt snaps incredulously as they all scatter like the traitorous cockroaches they are.

Within seconds, it’s only Kurt, Blaine, and the crackling fire left in the circle.

“So…” Kurt exhales, rolling the seams of his pants between his fingers. He keeps his stare fixated on a rock by the log where Finn was sitting, remembering when his idiot brother thought he found Jesus in a grilled cheese sandwich. Now, he thinks if he squints and tilts his head just  _ so _ he can see the face of Judy Garland, reenacting the famous Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas scene from Meet Me In St. Louis. He realizes that you can find something in anything as long as you want to be distracted enough. And  _ god  _ does Kurt want to be distracted right now.

He  _ can’t  _ give in to Blaine’s charm only to find out that he has a secret family, or a toe sucking fetish, or worse… didn’t vote in the 2016 election.

“Kurt,” Blaine’s timid voice finally breaks through the silence hanging between them. Kurt musters up every ounce of courage he has to meet his gaze. “I… I know you joined this group for a reason. Everyone has theirs. So, if you don’t have feelings for me, I completely understand.”

Kurt is rendered speechless for a moment. Blaine takes Kurt’s silence as a cue to leave and moves to do so, but Kurt reaches out to grab his hand. 

“Blaine, wait!” he calls out. Blaine turns. “It’s not that I don’t have feelings for you. Because I do.” The beaming grin Blaine breaks out to is enough to make Kurt glad he admitted that. “It’s just… I’ve had some really, really bad luck when it comes to dating lately and I don’t want to jinx it. Especially not with you.”

“Oh, come on, there’s no way things have been that bad for a catch like yours—”

“I showed up to one and the guy brought his parents along.”

Blaine chokes back a laugh. “Alright, that’s pretty bad.” He takes Kurt’s other hand and pulls them closer together, swinging their hands between them. “But I can assure you, if you let me take you out on a date, there will not be a parent in  _ sight.” _

Kurt barks out a laugh, ducking his head. 

“And I am,” Blaine scrunches up his face teasingly and makes a half-and-half gesture with his hand, “about  _ eighty _ percent normal, just ask Tina. Aside from a weird puppet making phase I went through a few years ago, I am completely sound of mind.”

Based on how things have been going lately, that statement should terrify Kurt. But it doesn’t. It just makes his stomach flutter and his heart race and every cliche in the book come true, just like everything Blaine does.

After a solid four months of shipwreck first dates and cancelled plans, Kurt decides,  _ Fuck it, _ and pulls Blaine in until their lips meet.

It’s not awkward, or weird, or uncomfortable, or anything comparable to what Kurt’s been through these past few months. In fact, it’s actually sort of perfect. 

“Wow,” is all Blaine is capable of saying once they pull apart. “I think we single handedly just disbanded Single and Sufficient.”

Kurt pretends to think it over for a second before pulling Blaine back in. 

“Hm, probably,” he says. “But totally worth it.”


End file.
